part 5

23/11/08
I’m doing it again. The bed thing. Only this time the bed is different, my whole world’s up in the air. But you are here.
This past week has been bizarre. My fingers are freezing as I write this, curled up in duvets, my breath uncurling before me as I breath, in, out. This house is cold. I don’t like it here, I need to get sorted and find somewhere else, but it’s the worse timing. I was thrown out - you don’t know this, no-one does - but I yet again messed up a good thing. And now I am paying for it. My life, in boxes, are scattered around the room. It was kind of them to let me stay, I don’t like to think of the alternative. But I wish they’d get some gas, turn the radiators on, we don’t even have much hot water. They spent their last bit of money on weed. I can’t ask my family for any donations. I’ve got nothing. Except you.
Last night was one of many evening trips, driving fast and then stopping and stealing glances, trying to avoid touching each other in the dark. Since I got the courage to tell him it was over, we’ve been a bit more free. I was relieved when I told him, that was before any of this happened. But I think if we’d been together, it wouldn’t have made much difference. And anyway, now I can see you. It’s amazing, I don’t know anyone who makes me feel more relaxed. I’m just there and there’s nothing else to it. It’s just us. I’m longing to see you all the time, I’m waiting to kiss your lips and hold your soft cool hand. You’ve started meaning more and more to me, and now I’m just plotting and planning ways to have you to myself. I’ve looked at flats - no more renting rooms - nearer to you. I can get a bus to work, I need to be closer. I want privacy, somewhere where I can reach out for you without looking over my shoulder. Somewhere where you can stay the night, with me.
It can’t come soon enough. I daydream of telling him about us, us being bold and confident, nothing coming between us. But it has already, and it worries me. I am willing to live with the consequences, I’d be gaining much more than I’d stand to lose. Yet you, you’d be losing your best friend. Are you as willing as me? You refer to it as a secret, yet I don’t want to live behind closed doors. I want to scream from the top of my lungs and tell the whole world, tell them that I think I love you.